16th anniversary of Ruthie passing away

 Today is the 16th anniversary of Ruthie passing.  

I've reflected on her death before.  In fact, it took me a few nights to get through all of the memories surrounding her.  Though, there is probably more that I can recall and process through.  

Today we heard from Ang, and Steve, and Ruth.  But, as far as me, that was all.  I imagine Susie heard from others.

It's not her birthday.  It's like secondary to her birthday, but it's an important day for Susie and me.  It was just as hard as her birthday, maybe even harder, but it was different too.  

I didn't hear from anyone in my family and I guess that is kind of a bummer.  

Writing about her and thinking about her earlier this morning causes me to experience tension in my neck.  Why tension?  Shouldn't I be feeling sadness.  It's kinda weird.  I don't know where the tension is coming from.  Maybe it's something I can talk to Susie about.  Maybe she'll talk to me about it.  Definitely something that is puzzling to me.  (Man, there it is again.  Where is this tension coming from?!)

Reflecting back on that day makes me recall a drive down Manchester road with just Susie and me, for some reason.  Maybe I'm actually remembering when we left St. John's, or rather, when Susie left St. John's for the first time.  We left the hospital without our baby.  Elijah was somewhere.  Maybe he was with us.  Maybe he was home with Ruth.  But Susie and I went into some shop or were looking for some shop near Kirkwood on Manchester Road.  It felt like we said a few words but it was definely not how we had planned it or how we expected it would be.  

Reflecting more specifically on the day she passed now.  I remember getting a call from Susie while I was at work.  I don't recall if it was on my phone or what.  I vaguly remember going into Melissa's office doorway and saying that I had to go because Susie says that this is it for Ruthie.  I remember driving down West Florissant sobbing.  I was heading to Cardinal Glennon.  I don't remember anything specific then until we were walking through the hospital with her hooked up to all of this stuff.  It was Elijah and Susie and me.  And then there were all these nurses and doctors that Susie was close to but I don't really remember any of them.  Maybe the one that spoke at her service.  I do remember her.  (And I remember Victoria from St. John's, but other than that I don't remember anyone.)  Maybe it just became a big blur and I didn't bother to pay attention.  Then we got outside and I do remember it being pretty hot.  I reemmber them taking the tubes off, and I think I remember them removing the traceotomy?.  And I vaguely remember them giving her a shot at some point so she would be stressed out, apparently.  But when they took out that trac? tube she tensed up quite a bit.  She tried to gasp for air and she looked a little paniced.  I do remember that.  Fast forward a few hours, or minutes, because what happened next is a blur.  I remember being in that visiting room and we were holding her and getting pictures.  And it was all kinda creepy to me.  And then she was getting cold and that was really weird.  That time may have to good for Susie but I wanted to get out of there pretty fast.  After that I seem to only remember that Elijah and I left and we would wait a while until Susie got home from the hospital.